I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
