you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
