Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
