Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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