my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
