I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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