Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
