so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
