the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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