I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
