Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
