Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
