Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
