he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
