Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
