You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
