I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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