I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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