How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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