I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
