I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
