It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
