I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
