Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
