If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
