remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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