Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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