exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Michael Bay diarrhea
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
