R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What a dumb baby whore.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
