A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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