should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
