I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
