Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
