the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
