I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
