Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
