Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
