So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
