Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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