Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
