i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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