i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
