I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
