woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This baby is an asshole
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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