last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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