Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
