True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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