Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
