ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
