bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
