He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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