Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i came on her dog
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
