Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
