mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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